Water Shoe Bandwagon
Chronicles of a water shoe brat
April 9, 2015
Filed under Satire
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I am disappointed. I am also offended. I tried to guide and sway you down the path of conformity and goodness: the path that didn’t let you wear Birkenstocks. Many of you listened, some revolted, and others spit on the ground I treaded. However, the November issue of Insight has come and gone and I have decided to put my “you can’t wear/own/buy/think about Birkenstocks because I wear them” column behind me. I have stepped off my Birkenstock Soap Box and have decided to step on a taller, more irrelevant one.
Silencing my shoe chauvinism isn’t an option and it is time I address another stolen fad. Water shoes. Not just any type of water shoes but the Vibram FiveFinger VI-B Water Shoes in magenta that I ordered from Amazon Prime last year.
I didn’t want to write about them sooner in an attempt to keep these shoes on my radar only. The Birks column was actually a decoy. However, the cat is now out of the bag: on my scenic route home, as I passed the brown snow banks the other day, I noticed a middle-aged man wearing LIMITED EDITION Vibram FiveFinger VI-B Water Shoes. Red flag.
This was just the first warning sign of an impending epidemic. With the recent rise in copying my shoes, I am patiently waiting for the gaggle of girls treading through the 1600’s flaunting their brand new Vibram FiveFinger VI-B Water Shoes. Just because I wore them one time for ten minutes doesn’t mean they can trickle into BHS.
My reason for purchasing the VFFVI-BWS was valid. I was going to camp. I needed something to aid my adventures with sharp things and mineral enemies. They were my savior for the dramatic ten minutes I spent stepping on rocks. Due to these circumstances, I am very protective over my Vibram FiveFinger VI-B Water Shoes in magenta. I am sick over the thought of people disrespecting the soul of the shoes, wearing them for fad rather than appreciation.
On the other side of this battle, I recognize why these shoes will rise. The barely-there feeling when they encase your feet, the variety of colors and patterns, the flexibility of a broken shoe, and most importantly the five slots for all of your toes. It’s a foot-glove. I understand why you would want them and why you will all have them after you read this. Just please don’t order them in magenta — that’s my thing.